Thoughts
They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I’m not
sure that is true.
Nearly a year ago I was dealt a huge blow by someone very
close to me. I am very selective in who I share details with for various
reasons. But so much as happened since that day….so much I have learned.
1) I
have learned who true friends are. People I thought of as friends before this
all happened turned out not to be friends after all. In looking back there was
always some kind of tension but I brushed it off. In the end I was treated by
these particular friends as if the whole thing was my fault and/or that I
didn’t belong in the equation at all. When they tried to take it to my facebook
page, friends we don’t have in common sided with them. That was hurtful and I
realized that I don’t need negative in my life. If you aren’t going to come to
me privately and ask what is going on or if you are going to judge without
finding out why these other “friends” are saying these things then I don’t want
you as a friend. Still it was a hard to lose these people as friends in the way
that I did. There is so much more I can say here but really to be counted as a
true friend, you do NOT do the things you did or almost did to us and then
think you can still be counted as a friend…..EVER.
2) I
have learned that hearts and trust can get broken in ways I never thought
possible. Because of the choices others made or almost made, my heart was
broken a thousand times over and trust in someone close to me was lost. My
heart is slowly mending and my trust is slowly growing back but it is because
two people who love each other very much are working together to help me regain
that trust and to heal my heart. There is a scripture about faith without works
being dead. Well a relationship without communication can die as well and
through all of this I am learning to communicate better and to work at my
relationships. I cut my losses when I see it is one sided. It used to take a
lot to get me to that point. I’m not sure if this is good or bad, maybe both
depending on the situation. However now I cut losses as it comes. If it isn’t a
two-way street and I know I have given all I can then I cut the losses and move
on. I am just at a point in my life where I want to be surrounded by the
positive, not the negative and if someone is bringing me down then I prefer not
to have them as part of my inner circle to rely on during my hardest times.
3) I
have learned that I will fight with all my might for those I love even when
others around me are telling me that it is a losing battle or that I have no
say in the decisions that person makes. I have also learned that I will fight
until the bitter end for anyone who wants to come between the ones I love
dearly and myself….esp if it people who are trying to come between my spouse
and I and involves their attempts to destroy my family.
4) I
have learned to look for positives in my life. I’ve always struggled with day
to day things. One wrong thing in my day and I’m a mess. I am a person who
finds the need to vent…..in real life and in social forums. I try not to say
bad things about the people I vent about if at all possible if I vent about
people….and if I have done so then I am sorry, it is something I rarely do. I
just try and vent about why I find it frustrating at the moment. Sometimes I
don’t even expect a response. Just a simple hug will do and I am fine again.
But I find if I don’t vent at those moments then I explode to the person
aggravating me and I’d rather not do that. But the more positives I look for on
a daily basis then the less likely I am dwell on the negatives of my crazy
life. Seriously love my pink clicker from www.billionclicks.org for this reason.
I’ve learned that if a person can’t handle this part of me then maybe that
person doesn’t need to be counted as a friend. I am who I am. This part of me
is something I am working to better about myself but if isn’t going to go away
over night or maybe at all. So if you can’t handle it and feel the need to
judge me when I need to vent then walk yourself out of my life now.
5) I
am learning to “Let It Go!” I have always been one to dwell on the hurts caused
by others. Forgiving others took a long time…if I ever reached that point
because sometimes I didn’t. I’m now learning that it is okay to cry over the
hurt, to talk it over with someone else, but to move on from there and just let
it go and forgive. Am I still hurt by last years’ events? Yes! But have I
learned to forgive those people. Most of them yes. I’m still struggling to
forgive one last person but I only learned the full truth of that person’s
involvement in it all recently (because I didn’t want to know at that time but
needed to be told now) so the emotions are all fresh again and I just haven’t
reached that point. I’ve also learned that depending on the person &
situation that letting it go does not mean I have to let that person back into
my life. It’s OKAY to let go of the hurt and pain caused by others, to forgive
them for what they have done and then to choose NOT to have them as part of
your life anymore.
6) I
am learning to rely on the Lord more and more. Well this is something I always
did in life but I did go through some years where I didn’t fully rely on the
Lord. I was slowly starting to do that and then last year happened and I had to
turn to Him so many times that I am relearning this. He has never been far
away, He’s always been there. I just had to turn to Him for strength, for
guidance in forgiving those who have wronged me, for so many other things I
deal with on a daily basis, the good and the bad. I am learning to feel Him
more without kneeling down to pray. There have been some days I’m just feeling
down and I feel like I’m going to cry and I can feel His loving arm around me
like a hug and can almost hear Him say “My child it is going to be okay.”
I could go on but these are the most important things I want
to share with others. Did last years’ chain of events kill me? No, not even on
my worst days when I thought it would. Am I stronger through all this? I don’t
know. I do know though that I have changed through it all and because I know
myself better than others know me, I can say that mostly I have for the
positive. Am I ready to fully share it all? No, not yet. I’m still guarded in
who I choose to share it with. I will say that if you want to know more come to
me privately please. If I choose to share then I will, if not I will let you
know why I choose not to and I ask that you respect my choice not to share with
you at this time. The one thing I do ask of all…..esp those that are praying
people…. please keep me in prayers that I will learn to forgive all who were
hell bent on hurting me and who continue to keep hurting me.
And if you have read this all the way through, I thank you.
I know I am long winded at times, always have, always will be. Us quiet people
have so many thoughts waiting to get out at times and when they do look out! J
