Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Long Overdue Update...sort of

Wow! I can't believe it has been so long since I have blogged. I really need to keep up with it. So much has changed since I last blogged. My daughters are older and my husband and I are older...but we'll save that update for another time. Today I wanted to post something I put on my facebook in regards to a chain of events this past year.....a change that was made because of the choices and near choices of others in my life that I have fault in. The only part I have played is standing up for myself and protecting my litttle family where needed. I am not perfect, I know I stooped to their levels by name calling. But some of those pointing fingers my way and blaming me for it all have made me so angry at times that I just let it rip when I told them what I thought of them. Thankfully someone very close to me has made difficult decisions so that in the end he shows the rest of them that he chooses me will not stand by and watch the rest try and play games to destroy me and us. And with that said here is what I posted on facebook......

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I’m not sure that is true.

Nearly a year ago I was dealt a huge blow by someone very close to me. I am very selective in who I share details with for various reasons. But so much as happened since that day….so much I have learned.

1)      I have learned who true friends are. People I thought of as friends before this all happened turned out not to be friends after all. In looking back there was always some kind of tension but I brushed it off. In the end I was treated by these particular friends as if the whole thing was my fault and/or that I didn’t belong in the equation at all. When they tried to take it to my facebook page, friends we don’t have in common sided with them. That was hurtful and I realized that I don’t need negative in my life. If you aren’t going to come to me privately and ask what is going on or if you are going to judge without finding out why these other “friends” are saying these things then I don’t want you as a friend. Still it was a hard to lose these people as friends in the way that I did. There is so much more I can say here but really to be counted as a true friend, you do NOT do the things you did or almost did to us and then think you can still be counted as a friend…..EVER.

2)      I have learned that hearts and trust can get broken in ways I never thought possible. Because of the choices others made or almost made, my heart was broken a thousand times over and trust in someone close to me was lost. My heart is slowly mending and my trust is slowly growing back but it is because two people who love each other very much are working together to help me regain that trust and to heal my heart. There is a scripture about faith without works being dead. Well a relationship without communication can die as well and through all of this I am learning to communicate better and to work at my relationships. I cut my losses when I see it is one sided. It used to take a lot to get me to that point. I’m not sure if this is good or bad, maybe both depending on the situation. However now I cut losses as it comes. If it isn’t a two-way street and I know I have given all I can then I cut the losses and move on. I am just at a point in my life where I want to be surrounded by the positive, not the negative and if someone is bringing me down then I prefer not to have them as part of my inner circle to rely on during my hardest times.

3)      I have learned that I will fight with all my might for those I love even when others around me are telling me that it is a losing battle or that I have no say in the decisions that person makes. I have also learned that I will fight until the bitter end for anyone who wants to come between the ones I love dearly and myself….esp if it people who are trying to come between my spouse and I and involves their attempts to destroy my family.

4)      I have learned to look for positives in my life. I’ve always struggled with day to day things. One wrong thing in my day and I’m a mess. I am a person who finds the need to vent… real life and in social forums. I try not to say bad things about the people I vent about if at all possible if I vent about people….and if I have done so then I am sorry, it is something I rarely do. I just try and vent about why I find it frustrating at the moment. Sometimes I don’t even expect a response. Just a simple hug will do and I am fine again. But I find if I don’t vent at those moments then I explode to the person aggravating me and I’d rather not do that. But the more positives I look for on a daily basis then the less likely I am dwell on the negatives of my crazy life. Seriously love my pink clicker from for this reason. I’ve learned that if a person can’t handle this part of me then maybe that person doesn’t need to be counted as a friend. I am who I am. This part of me is something I am working to better about myself but if isn’t going to go away over night or maybe at all. So if you can’t handle it and feel the need to judge me when I need to vent then walk yourself out of my life now.

5)      I am learning to “Let It Go!” I have always been one to dwell on the hurts caused by others. Forgiving others took a long time…if I ever reached that point because sometimes I didn’t. I’m now learning that it is okay to cry over the hurt, to talk it over with someone else, but to move on from there and just let it go and forgive. Am I still hurt by last years’ events? Yes! But have I learned to forgive those people. Most of them yes. I’m still struggling to forgive one last person but I only learned the full truth of that person’s involvement in it all recently (because I didn’t want to know at that time but needed to be told now) so the emotions are all fresh again and I just haven’t reached that point. I’ve also learned that depending on the person & situation that letting it go does not mean I have to let that person back into my life. It’s OKAY to let go of the hurt and pain caused by others, to forgive them for what they have done and then to choose NOT to have them as part of your life anymore.

6)      I am learning to rely on the Lord more and more. Well this is something I always did in life but I did go through some years where I didn’t fully rely on the Lord. I was slowly starting to do that and then last year happened and I had to turn to Him so many times that I am relearning this. He has never been far away, He’s always been there. I just had to turn to Him for strength, for guidance in forgiving those who have wronged me, for so many other things I deal with on a daily basis, the good and the bad. I am learning to feel Him more without kneeling down to pray. There have been some days I’m just feeling down and I feel like I’m going to cry and I can feel His loving arm around me like a hug and can almost hear Him say “My child it is going to be okay.”

I could go on but these are the most important things I want to share with others. Did last years’ chain of events kill me? No, not even on my worst days when I thought it would. Am I stronger through all this? I don’t know. I do know though that I have changed through it all and because I know myself better than others know me, I can say that mostly I have for the positive. Am I ready to fully share it all? No, not yet. I’m still guarded in who I choose to share it with. I will say that if you want to know more come to me privately please. If I choose to share then I will, if not I will let you know why I choose not to and I ask that you respect my choice not to share with you at this time. The one thing I do ask of all…..esp those that are praying people…. please keep me in prayers that I will learn to forgive all who were hell bent on hurting me and who continue to keep hurting me.

And if you have read this all the way through, I thank you. I know I am long winded at times, always have, always will be. Us quiet people have so many thoughts waiting to get out at times and when they do look out! J