Friday, February 12, 2010

Making Tough Decisions

First, sorry about no photos yet. Still sharing Laura's computer. But mine is almost up and going again so soon I promise.

Second.....I'm pouring my heart out because I'm very hurt, angry, and upset over things I don't know why are happening in recent months. And because nobody in my family is adult enough to tell me why they are doing what they are doing, I am having to make some tough decisions for me and my girls....decisions that will also hurt others indirectly even though they know why I am doing this. I'm sharing these things not because I hope the people who need to read them will see it because chances are they won't. I'm sharing these things so that others can keep me, my girls and my mom in your prayers.

So some of you readers know that I have never had a close relationship with my brother. It stems from childhood and my undiagnosed hormonal imbalances that caused rage and the rage was directed at Richard and I hurt him physically and emotionally. I've said it before and I'll say it again.....I've apologized many times and I won't spend the rest of my life apologizing. It is what it is. Yes I still am quick to anger but the rage is not there and yes there is a difference between rage and anger...a big difference. And I'm not the same person I was during those years. But yet time and time again despite being told by Richard and my parents that he's moved on and forgiven me of that, things happen that prove otherwise. For example, as long as I'm not around his wife has no problem being around the rest of the family. The times we are together she puts on such a fake act of being nice that we all can see it. The rare times we do see them, my brother will say in front of my girls "we'll get together so the kids can play more." Never happens and I'm left with "why didn't he call?" I don't bother calling cause what is the point. The times I have called for trying to plan a Christmas meet up at my place so they didn't have to drive all the way to mom and dad's nobody ever called me back. I even e-mailed and no response. Katelyn recently wanted to call Richard about buying Girl Scout cookies. I was going to call and then turn the phone over to her once I got him on the phone so she could make the sale. Just got voice mail...twice. Both times no call back. Sent an e-mail about it, no response. A few weeks later my troop leader and I are trying to figure out booth sales and one of our choices was down near where my brother lives. After a bad experience with nut sales, we wanted a better area. So I needed to know what the area was like down that way. I called and e-mailed....again no responses. Actions speak louder than words. It's clear he doesn't want me in his life but he's not man enough to come out and tell me and tell me the truth as to why. As far as I know as an adult I've done nothing to him, absolutely nothing. Yet from him I get broken promises to my kids and an 8 yr old daughter who has asked for 4 yrs straight why uncle Richard doesn't call to wish her a happy birthday. So fine, he doesn't want me in his life, I'll accept that.....I'm done trying. From now on I'll be making sure if I go out to mom and dad's that I'm not going out there when my brother's family is. Maybe that way they will actually get to see their other granddaughters more often.

The other decision I just had to make was to cut my sister out of my life. I'm the most hurt by her as I really cannot tell you what I've done to her at all. We are 10 years apart, we do have very different personalities. I don't like the decisions she has made over the years but they are hers and as long as she seems happy I've been happy for her. All I've asked of her is to respect me in the same way. My decisions in how I live my life, how I parent my kids, are mine and my husband's alone and as long as I'm happy she should be happy for me as well. Instead I've had her cross the line when it comes to one of my children on a few occasions....first time I heard she drove my daughter to a friends house where they had drinks and then drove back to my parents house. I don't care if it's one drink, that's my child in that car, not hers. But we cut her some slack cause she was young and stupid. Then she crossed the line again when she told Katelyn her opinions on prop 8, things a 6 year old (at the time) didn't need to know. All we told her was that a yes vote meant a stand for traditional marriages. She's too young to have to explain same sex marriages. Thanks to my sister, who thought she was hilarious when she told our young child, Katelyn suddenly had tons of questions that year about same sex couples. I don't remember what the 3rd thing was but it wasn't long after this particular incident. I was wanting to cut her off then. But Clark said that would just hurt my mom and the girls and I should think about it first. Since Sharla lives in Vegas I decided that maybe he was right, it's not like we see her often anyhow. Just when we did see her we didn't let Katelyn go off for drives or walks with her, we were more guarded.

One hard thing in this is that Laura is always left out. Sharla only has eyes for Katelyn. So often Laura practically has to stand on her head to get aunt Sharla's attention. My mom tried talking to Sharla once about it I hear. Sharla just laughed it off. So we always try and keep Laura happy when she's sad cause she's ignored. Interesting is that just last fall we were on a whirlwind trip to Utah and back and even though we wanted to head straight home, we took the effort to stop in Vegas and go to dinner with Sharla and Paul. Things seemed fine then. She didn't give off any clues that she was trying to cut me out of her life. None whatsoever. Something happened during that visit dinner Sharla had both girls sitting with on one side, one on the other side. Clark and I were across the table. Once again Sharla was completely ignoring Laura. Sharla was playing tic-tac-toe with Katelyn, Laura wanted a turn too. She kept getting put off. Uncle Paul tried playing with her...nope she wanted aunt Sharla. Clark and I tried....nope, she wanted Sharla. I even said "Hey, Katelyn's had enough, it's Laura's turn" and I was told she needs to learn to wait. And before we could stop her, Laura took a crayon and made a line on Sharla's white sweater to get her attention. It was dealt with right away. I handed a tide pen to Sharla to pre-treat it and then headed to the restroom to deal with Laura. Nothing more was said of the incident.

Then one about a month, month and a half after seeing them in Vegas, I get a call from Sharla. I thought it was a friendly call thanking me for the birthday cards we'd sent. Nope, she goes on to make a slew of false accusations about my husband....who has NEVER done a thing to her. He's never been anything but kind to her.....even when she and I got into a verbal argument during the time we lived with mom and dad briefly (the time I was pregnant with Laura) argument which ended in Sharla coming at me swinging and I had to fight back to protect myself and my unborn baby until dad and Clark separated us. Not even then did he say anything bad about her, not even then. And yet here she was saying all this unfounded stuff and even comment she made I told her how off base she was and set her straight on her way of thinking about him.....let's see big example was she thought that he couldn't keep a good paying job and pay our bills when in reality he makes triple what her husband makes. Then she tried saying my kids are growing up in a bad area. Okay so we choose to rent and probably will for a few more years. But we are in a good neighborhood with a good school. She's only been to the house two maybe 3 times and has no idea what the school is like and yet she's making comments like that. Whatever.

The clincher was when she was getting nowhere on supposedly what a horrible husband I have that she decided to attack one of my children instead. I'll never ever forgot the next words "Well at least I don't have a child who is a spoiled brat and gets away with everything." Okay neither of my children are easy. Katelyn we learned the reason for many of her behaviors is her being on the autism spectrum and Laura well she's got many of our bad traits rolled into one....quick witted, independant, stubborn, short fused, and rage at times. And so parenting them can be difficult. But neither one of them is spoiled. They both get dealt with accordingly as needed. Sharla went on to try and say something regarding the sweater and I reminded her that it was dealt with that night so there was no reason bringing that up, it was done and over with. Sharla wanted to keep on the verbal round. I lost my temper and called her a witch with a b....yeah not cool but I was angry at this point...and hung up on her.

Since then I've kept my distance. For a few weeks after I wouldn't even answer her calls...not even when I knew she was calling to wish my girls happy birthday. I was still too angry to deal with her. I did answer the phone when she called to tell me she's having a baby boy. I knew from my mom that the ultrasound was that day and I know what it was like expecting and wanting to share with everyone when we found out what the sex of the baby would be. But I kept the call short and let her tell the girls. Since then we haven't talked, not once. I did notice she was on facebook and tried to add her as a friend but she denied me and then told my mom that the reason was "cause I don't want her stalking Richard." Hello when have I ever done that?! Lame reason not to add me.

I really don't understand her sudden about face when it comes to me and my family. But it has all come to a head. See I did tell my mom about that phone call. My mom even let her know how off base she was and that she should apologize. Well Sharla made some rude comments on something I posted on my mom's facebook wall and let her have it after she was rude to my mom there as well...because mom stood up for me. In the course of the exchanges I said she needed to apologize for those things she said and she says she doesn't that she was not wrong about the things she said. And I said that was it, that is why she's no longer part of our lives and I hope she's happy with how hurt my kids are. She said she was happy that she cut me out of her life but Katelyn will know the truth that I made the final decision.....nothing about Laura. I told her that actually I told her the truth...that aunt Sharla said really mean and hurtful things about Clark and Laura that aren't true and that Sharla can't respect me and because of this should not be part of our lives. If Sharla admits she's in the wrong and apologizes and starts showing my girls equal amounts of attention then and only then will she be allowed in our lives again. Until then no.

Yes I made this decision. In some ways it feels right. I don't want the negativity and anti-religious/Mormon influences around my children. But in other ways it feels so wrong. I'm left feeling confused because nobody can give me a straight answer as to why I'm being treated this usual it's always turned around to me being the evil one and it's all my fault and she did nothing wrong. So I'm left hurt and confused because I don't know what truly led to this, I don't feel this was the real reason she started cutting me off, I feel it is something else and she's not telling me. And I'm left with my mom who is hurt that two of her children want nothing to do with the other and who aren't telling her why while dealing with me who is emotionally upset over all this. And I'm left with having to explain to my kids, esp Katelyn, time and time again why we can't call aunt Sharla and why will never see her again.

Please keep our family in your prayers. In the long run this may all be for the best. But right now there are lots of hurt hearts that need healing.


Stacie said...

Hi Katheryn, I know what it feels like to have to do that to someone. And i have been through it with both of my sisters, who eventually came around. You and Clark alone are the only people who can make the best decisions for your family. Whether or not it seems right at the time, its still something that is needed. I will pray that all of the hurt will fade. But you also have to forgive. God understands your hurt, but also expects you to forgive. And as difficult as that is, I had to learn that too. If you just simply say in your own prayers that you ask for forgiveness and the strength to forgive those who have hurt me, and so on. Its difficult to forgive when someone has hurt you that bad, but it is also the best way to feel freedom from the hurt that is there! When you can truly say that you forgive your sister and brother, then you know that whatever happened is no longer on you! I hope this helps, and I will pray for you all.

Sheila said...

Will definitely keep you guys in our prayers! I have finally got around to setting up a blog if you want to keep up with us

Shirley said...

Stacie gave you wise advice so I won't repeat it. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.